empty : full

Time is different now. Co-parenting means I have my loves with me for only half the week and this is endlessly freeing, uncomfortable, strange, empty, full.

I am less feral with my time; my claws are mostly retracted — because I know when my next childfree moment will be and I know I can at least meet my needs then, if not now. Though it will be a while until my system really calms from the past five hypervigilant years, I am able to be more present when the kids are with me, less distracted, less burnt out, less overwhelmed.

I am not advocating for separation here, but it feels like the right thing for us. Yet, it feels strange to be alone in my new home — it feels lonely. And having more time has left me procrastinating with my own creative writing projects. Before, if I had ten minutes to work on a poem I would use it. But now, with a whole day to myself, I find myself avoiding creative work. It feels like I have gone from one extreme to the other — I no longer need to make use of every spare minute. I can breathe a bit.

My weeks are also guided by extremes: I am either alone in the flat with endless hours to myself, drifting, thinking, bathing, sleeping, or I am alone with the kids, meeting my basic needs when I can, but mostly taking a backseat in my life as I help them live theirs.

It feels like a different version of matrescence, a whole new lifestyle to get used to. I knew what I was doing before, even if it wasn’t making me happy. Now I feel like half a mother, officially on duty for only half the week, and — because for so long my very identity has been solely mother — feeling like half a mother means feeling like half a person — like for half the week half of me is missing. When they’re at their dad’s, I look around and see signs of them — a potty, toys, animal bedding, sippy cups — but my small, soft, loving, vulnerable creatures, my favourite creatures, are busy living life elsewhere. I am trying to figure out what I might fill the spaces they leave me with.

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Though I have been neglecting my creative projects for a few weeks, I have been busy: moving, setting up my new flat, and finalising, packing and posting out the new issue of Motherlore. I still have a small stack of BECOMING issues waiting to be sent out if you'd like to have a print copy, and the digital version is out now too. For my paid subscribers, a free digital copy is part of your membership so please get in touch if you'd like one!

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MOTHER/CARE/WRITE

🀦 My Body, My Book Club, Others Like Me, 31st July, 6:30 to 7:30pm, BST, £3+